Tag Archives: ego

Mea Culpa, Mea Culpa, Mea Culpa

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Every blogger will tell you that, for every one idea that leads to an actual published post, there are very many others that have fallen away: an idea that won’t or can’t be developed much; ideas that just don’t resonate; some ideas simply do ‘not fit’ with the overall theme of the blog. All kinds of reasons for an idea to not make it into a post.

Such has been the case with me recently – twice it happened, in a row. I abandoned them both while still notes in this notebook, At the time(s) I felt that these two potential posts just weren’t working and weren’t going to.

Then, yesterday, it happened again, this one making it to the typed stage. This time I realised that it was something other than an unworkable idea – after all, this was the third time in a very short period. There was definitely more to it. So, I went back and reread those two previous rejected posts, to try to find the links, if I could.

Smug, fake – as in as phoney as – ego driven, arrogant and self opinionated (note the small s please). Not to forget they all shouted to me of a reach for a sense of self importance.

Rereading the three it felt as if one could sum it all up by stating: ‘This writer has an ego as big as a house and it’s out of control.’

To tell you the truth, it has shocked me, this run of ego boosting rubbish I’ve been writing lately. The weird thing is, in all three cases, I think the actual themes or ideas have potential; just the tone and style disturbs me.

I know enough about my own mind and how I respond to conditions and circumstances (not to mention moods, emotions and the rest) in my life to know – and I knew it right away from my rereading – that such ego driven, arrogant, self (don’t forget the small s here as well) important stuff comes as a symptom, a sign.

It’s a symptom – an expression – of a low opinion of myself, a problem with self-esteem, a sense that I’m not good enough.
Trying to boost myself up, that’s what it’s all about. In other words I was – have been – blinded by my ego/mind.

Admittedly my ego and my mind were only trying to make me feel better, and, especially with ego in the mix, I led myself astray. Their intentions were good (to cheer up the only ‘me’ they know), but the ego was is not my way.

However, this post isn’t about analysing me or whatever. It is an apology. An apology to my community, both the visible and the not so visible (that includes you dear reader).

I ask forgiveness of Self – this time with the big S

A thousand thank yous and much love

From Your servant

Paul the hermit.

Friend Or Foe?

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Your enemies will now question your capabilities. Is there anything more painful and shameful than that?

Bhagavad Gita 2:36

Thanks to inspiration from my partner hermit, I’ve once again begun reading Bhagavad Gita from the beginning. The quoted verse came up this morning as I continued through chapter 2.

Setting the scene, the Bhagavad Gita is a conversation between Krishna (God) and Arjuna, a famous warrior who’s leading the army of the ‘good guys’. The context is actually a metaphor for the battle that goes on constantly between what some call the Higher Self (represented by Krishna of course), and our lower selves, our ego, mind, and the rest of the worldly us (represented by the very worldly Arjuna).

Knowing that, sometimes a verse will jump out at me as being in some direct way related to me. This verse, this morning seemed spookily all knowing about my mood of just slightly earlier.

Before we move on, I should point out that Arjuna has just realised that if the battle goes ahead, he’s going to have to kill many relatives and friends, teachers, and others he respects. And he’s just decided he’s not going to do it and sits down depressed and dejected on his chariot.

Now while I personally applaud this decision (he even says it might be better if he went off into the forest and lived the life of a wandering monk rather than be in this battle), I have to remind myself that it’s not for real, it’s a metaphor for the battle between our two selves.

Krishna says to Arjuna that you’re going to look really bad if you don’t fight the fight to uphold the Truth as you know it. Lesson number one when studying the Gita: don’t sweat the context!

Anyway, to our current story.

I’d just finished my breakfast cup of tea, and I knew it was time to ‘get on with the day’ as the saying goes. Today, though, Tamas** was strong. Which left me feeling, I don’t really want to get on with the day.

Instead I felt I wanted to not get on with anything; I wanted to lie down and sleep, and not think about anything, or do anything else either!

This picture is called Lunchtime Sleeper but it’s how I felt after breakfast this morning!

Mind you, not in the ’empty your mind of random thoughts, relax the body, realise the Divine’ kind of mood. No, more like ‘lay down, block out everything, blank the mind, sleep.’ Blank as it blot out!

Then, the famous second thought kicks in: No, I said to myself. I will not allow Tamas to take control. So, I got up, brushed my teeth, washed my face, and got ready to begin my practice.

I guess you could say that Tamas finds it easy to take control when one’s mind is in enemy mode as I like to call it (somewhere else in the Gita, Krishna says the mind can be our friend or our enemy).

My mind in particular doesn’t usually need a lot of help to disparage me, put me down. Getting me to question my own capabilities is one of its favourite activities – sometimes.

And it’s exactly right, perhaps I should be questioning myself: If I allow Tamas (mind and ego etc) to have free rein, the pain and the shame is all I feel. Well, perhaps not all, and not always, but still, it’s not a good thing.

So, what’s going on now? I’ve been reading Bhagavad Gita, and now I’m making these notes. Tamas is on the run and my mind is being ever so friendly.

**Tamas is that aspect of our (human) nature that has us leaning towards lethargy, laziness, that ‘I can’t be bothered’ feeling, and excess sleep, and all the other slothful stuff. Blotting out, as I termed it earlier.

Mindful? Full of What?

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Anyone who has tried to meditate for more than a minute, knows very well that the mind right away jumps into overdrive, trying its hardest to keep us nice and distracted; anything but quiet and peace is the mind’s aim. Speaking for myself, all I want to do is get rid of that mind altogether.

But, I know, that would be a mistake. I may not like how my mind behaves sometimes, but I do actually quite like having one, a mind that is. I guess, for me, it’s about realising that my mind is here to stay, and can be either my friend or my foe.

Trouble is, when trying to meditate, I can easily believe it’s my worst enemy. Another mistake, I think, that arises from a not so discerning attitude to the thoughts that flood in seemingly at random.

But, sometimes in that quiet and still space – and even if that quiet and peaceful space hasn’t yet been reached – a thought comes from the mind friend, not the foe. It seems I must learn discernment. Here’s a good example.

Not long into my meditation earlier today, but already bombarded with random thoughts, memories, and other distractions to said peace and quiet, an idea came that just caught my attention. Suddenly, there seemed to be a full-blown idea for what sounded like a great blog post.

I din’t have this notebook with me, and though I had my phone handy, I thought, no, be firm, don’t let interruptions in. Of course, I thought that I’d remember the idea, but sure enough, I didn’t. Now, it’s nowhere to be found. I mean it must be in some tiny neuron in my brain, but it’s hiding pretty well!

Later, after my meditation session, I thought to myself, how come I could make a list of all the less than useful thoughts, memories, ideas and random mental craziness that tried its best to keep me distracted, yet I have no idea what that one wonderful blog post idea was?

I think it might possibly be about attachment; a lesson I’m giving myself in discerning between what thoughts are from my friend mind which ones from my foe mind, the mind running wild with its accomplice, my ego.

It’s a lesson I badly need, I think. Endless thoughts of little or no use to me have stayed, while the one that might have been helpful is gone, seemingly forever.

Yes indeed. Perhaps ny perspective on what ideas ad thoughts are useful to me and what ones aren’t, needs to be contemplated upon.

Actually, it’s not really needing a lot of contemplation: I mean, the one idea I thought would be great is gone. But looking at it the other way around, the fact that the great pile of not so good thoughts staying with me has given us this post I am now writing, and you are reading.

Perspective. It’s all about perspective. And discernment.

I Confess: I have an Ego

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Today I scrapped a planned post that I’d been meditating on, angsting over, and making notes for, over the last several days. And now, I’m thinking about my reactions to this startling event. Startling in that it’s not as if this is the first time. Not even close. So what’s the situation with this not so rare occurence? Let me try to explain.

To begin, let me say that I haven’t quite subdued my Ego. Not in the sense of both my attachment to my own actions as well as not in my false identification with this body and mind. Both are still going quite strong.

Mind you, having said that I need to be honest and confess that I don’t feel like I’m an ego maniac (in either meaning of the word as I see it).

Stop! Get to the point will you?

Okay sorry. The point is I still get affected by having to dispose of a project I’ve worked long and hard on. There: I’ve said it.

Of course it’s not that such an event bruises my ego (the attachment and ‘pride’ meaning this time). So why? Why does such a thing still get to me? I think it is simply a sense of disappointment that I’ve failed at an endeavour that I had thought important.

Ah, so it is ego then? Yes, I suppose it’s true. Ego and attachment. Both are of the mind and they love playing those old old mind games in which they have the final word.

I’ve written before about my attachment to the desire to write more often, in more quantity , and with more quality. So, no need to revisit that topic. Unless of course you want to.

Anyway, why do I write what and how I do? Why do I publish this blog?

Well, if you have read the Welcome and About the blog page, you will learn that this blog is an element in my ongoing quest to fully realise the oneness of all life – which of course means all of you, me and everything that exists.

Also on that page I think I say that I, as a hermit retreating more and more from the entanglements of the world, nevertheless feels a strong sense that I need to share my life with the world – again, that’s you.

So, my writing is about my life. It’s about me opening up about my experiences, my learnings, my ideas, and any occasional insight I might be blessed with. As well, I write to share my aspirations for, and my reflections on, the spiritual journey – at least my little bit of it.

And I do that by thinking, meditating, sometimes writing then posting the conclusions. Or as happened today, I think, meditate, write, throw away writing, then don’t post.

In a sense there is no need for disappointment when that happens. I’m always aspiring to write from my heart, and share what I hope is in alignment with the Absolute Reality, or if you like, the Divine, or the will of God.

In other more straightforward words what comes out onto the page is supposed to, and, if at some point along the path what emerges ceases to ‘feel right with the Universe’, then throwing it all away is easy and ego and attachment free. Well that’s the theory I’m going to try to work from.

What I’m trying to say is that my writing in general and this blog in particular, is not my property; I don’t own any of it. All of it belongs to that Absolute Reality in the form of the natural order and flowing or unfoldment of the Universe.

Belonging to that Absolute Reality, to the Universe in other words, then it is yours too. Everbody’s and everything’s.
So I thank you for allowing me to share my life with you.

PS If my ego ever pops up again, just ignore it. One day I hope to do just that!